


Once More, With Feeling

by KiaraSayre



Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: Crack, Gen, Musicals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-27
Updated: 2013-04-27
Packaged: 2017-12-09 14:50:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/775454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiaraSayre/pseuds/KiaraSayre
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Five minutes ago these people were normal college students," says Steve.  "Now they're singing about the joys of higher education.  That doesn't just <i>happen</i>."</p><p>(Or, the obligatory Warehouse 13 musical episode, starring Claudia Donovan, Steve Jinks, Artie Nielsen, and excessive use of the Farnsworth.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once More, With Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Under the circumstances, I figured we could all use some wacky, fluffy hijinks and shenanigans to cheer us up. Thanks to Ari and Rachel for looking it over for me!

once more, with feeling

i.

"Well," says Claudia, angling the Farnsworth so that Artie can see both her and Steve, "you were right, Artie."

"Are you sure?" asks Artie.

Claudia swings the Farnsworth around so he can see the scene before them. The Drillfield at Virginia Polytechnic and State University – more commonly known as Virginia Tech – is filled with students paired up and dancing. A nearby football player lifts his study partner over his head, and despite her skinny jeans, her legs are completely akimbo in a split.

There's one last dip, and the students transition from the dance solo into the breakout chorus. 

"And you're sure this wasn't planned?" says Artie, and Claudia flips the Farnsworth back around.

"Five minutes ago these people were normal college students," says Steve. "Now they're singing about the joys of higher education. That doesn't just _happen_."

"Also, if this was a flashmob, there would be spectators, and also cameras," says Claudia. "Everyone who was around rushed into the dance – look." She sweeps the Farnsworth around one more time, this time lingering on the road circling the Drillfield. "There's nobody watching, because they're all dancing."

"Everyone but us," says Steve, craning his head towards Claudia to get himself in Artie's view. "But it doesn't look like a bunch of wahoos trying to get internet-famous."

"If this case turns into an episode of Glee," says Claudia, "I would like it documented that you have permission to put me out of my misery."

With one last, lingering power chord, the number comes to an end.

"So it's like I thought," says Artie, reaching over the Farnsworth and pulling a stack of files closer. "You need to see how far this extends and how many people are affected. Videos are already getting on the internet, and the fewer questions people ask about artifact-related incidents, the better. Find out everything you can about the school, any changes, anything that could be related."

"Got it," says Claudia, and grimaces at the assembled students on the Drillfield, who are going back to their studying and their routes to class as though nothing out of the ordinary happened at all.

"Oh, and Claudia?" Claudia pauses with her thumb over the off-switch, and Artie says, with utter seriousness, "Don't stop believing."

Then he cuts the connection.

Claudia stares at her Farnsworth for a long moment, then turns to Steve. "How does he even _know_ that reference?"

ii.

They call him back later that evening.

"It's definitely an artifact," says Steve.

"A terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad artifact that we have to find and neutralize ASAP," says Claudia.

Artie frowns into the Farnsworth, and then says, "You sang, didn't you."

"Artie," says Claudia, with suppressed heat. "Chipmunks helped me unpack my bag at the hotel. I don't even know how they got into my room! We're on the ninth floor! We're not stuck in an episode of Glee, we're stuck in a _Disney movie_."

"Unpacking at least sounds…helpful," says Artie.

"A bluebird landed on my finger and tweeted a harmony as I sang about how exciting new cases are," says Claudia. 

Artie's mouth twitches. "Consider this your chance to be a Disney princess?"

Claudia leans into the Farnsworth and says, with great feeling, "I don't think Disney princesses ever get this homicidal."

"What Claudia means to say," Steve breaks in, "is that this is clearly a volatile situation. I mean, we've been in Blacksburg for what, six hours? And Claudia's already singing."

"Virginia Tech isn't exactly a new institution," says Artie, shaking his head at something out of Claudia and Steve's sight – probably his computer screen. "There are a lot of possibilities – what did you touch?"

"Nothing," says Claudia.

Artie gives the Farnsworth the most lineful of linefaces. " _Claudia_."

"I didn't! We never even had a chance – we got here, saw the musical number, did a tour and came straight to the hotel," says Claudia. "No touching."

"Whatever we're dealing with must be geographical, then," says Artie, and leans out of view, muttering to himself.

"Virginia has a long colonial history - could it be something to do with a local tribe?" Steve says. 

"That's more of a Williamsburg thing," Artie calls, then appears in the Farnsworth again. "We've seen place-based artifacts before – the stone used in the construction of Riverton Prison had certain properties - " He refocuses on the Farnsworth. "When you did your tour, did they mention any special architectural features or materials used in building the campus? Anything odd or unique?"

Claudia hangs her head forward with an aggrieved sigh. "You mean like Hokie Stone, the dolomite limestone incorporated into every building on-campus and mined from a quarry owned by the school and that can only be sold to the school and that our tour guide would _not shut up about_?"

Artie stares at the Farnsworth for a long moment, then says, "Yes, something like that."

"If it's the Hokie Stone, why is the singing only starting now?" says Steve. "I mean, like you said, everything is pretty old, and Hokie Stone was used pretty much from the beginning..."

"At Riverton, the effect was negated by the former warden's quartz cross," says Artie, only half paying attention to the Farnsworth. "When the new warden had it removed, the effects began again, so if you can figure out if there have been any changes on-campus or anything coming in or going out of the campus - "

"Artie," says Claudia.

Artie looks back at the Farnsworth. "What?"

"The new semester just started," says Claudia.

"The students just came back on-campus," says Steve.

"All _thirty thousand_ of them," says Claudia.

Artie sighs. "Well, I guess you're just going to have to get started."

"Are you _serious_?" Claudia demands.

Artie shrugs, and says, with just a hint of smugness, "Being a Warehouse agent...it's a hard knock life."

He cuts the connection.

Steve says to Claudia, "At least that reference was old?"

iii.

Artie's image pops onto the Farnsworth screen already frowning. "I thought you were going to check in two hours ago."

"Yeah, about that – we got caught in a big showstopper on Main Street," says Steve, angling the Farnsworth away from the rest of the crowd in the local coffee shop.

"Showstopper?" says Artie.

Steve shifts in his seat. "They, uh. Needed backup dancers, apparently."

"One of the graduate students needed a big number to mentally prepare herself to defend for her PhD," says Claudia. "You wouldn't think there'd be a lot of words that rhyme with 'dissertation,' but it turns out there are."

"Experimentation," says Steve.

"Accreditation," says Claudia.

"Cogitation."

"Interpretation."

"Fermentation."

"Exploitation."

"Citation."

"Five-sigma verification. I'm pretty sure she was a particle physicist," adds Claudia.

"I think I get the point," Artie says.

"It was very Gilbert and Sullivan," says Steve.

"I am the very model of a modern Warehouse agent," Claudia agrees.

 

"You're missing a syllable," Artie tells her.

"How do you even know that?" Claudia demands.

"Despite your persistent belief, I'm not totally unaware of popular culture," says Artie. "And also, this case is giving me a wonderful look at what my life might have been had I gone to Juilliard."

"I guess the NSA doesn't have this much singing," says Steve.

"I - hm. You'd be surprised," says Artie darkly. "Anyway, I've been looking into Hokie Stone from this end, and I don't see any previous reports on the campus of singing and dancing, which doesn't match the Riverton case. It's possible that - Steve, what are you _doing_?"

Steve abruptly stops fidgeting, and Claudia folds her lips together and bites them to keep from smiling.

"Sorry," Steve mutters. "I just - I think I pulled something in that big musical number."

"Please, no more details," says Artie. "Ever."

"Never," Steve promises.

"We started with the facilities people to see if there'd been any major changes on-campus," Claudia says, straight-faced again. "But, again - new semester. They're compiling a list of all the major renovations that happened over the break and they'll get back to us."

"Well, when you find it - " Artie stops. "What's that noise?"

Claudia rolls her eyes. "Just ignore it until it goes away."

"You know how sometimes two characters will sing a duet on separate parts of the stage, when they're really far away from each other?" says Steve. "It's a lot weirder when that happens in real life."

"Right. Just...tell me if you find anything," says Artie, and cuts the connection. 

Claudia sighs and closes the Farnsworth. "Would it kill him to say goodbye? Just once?"

"At least he didn't make a terrible showtune jokes that time," says Steve.

"Point," says Claudia.

iv.

Artie begins the next conversation with, "Tell me that smug look on your face is because you found something."

"No, but Steve finally sang so I feel a lot better," says Claudia, beaming.

"Do you really have to?" says Steve.

Artie blinks at the mid-distance a few times, and then says, "I'm not even going to ask."

"Oh, you want to ask," says Claudia. "Let me put it this way: if this mission released an original cast soundtrack, his song would've been called 'Showtunes Are Okay, I Guess.'"

"For the last time, I have nothing against showtunes! I just don't love them."

"' _Wicked was impressive/And Rent was just depressive/But I just don't understand/Why people get so damn obsessive_ ,'" Claudia quotes, sing-song.

"You should copyright that," says Steve. "I'm sure you'd make _dozens_ of dollars. "

Artie breaks in before Claudia can strike back. "I don't suppose you found anything actually useful?"

Claudia clears her throat, and Steve rubs the back of his neck.

"Not so much, no."

"Well, Little Miss Supercalifragilisticexpialidation had a reprise...so pretty much no."

Artie sighs. "So you're just calling to bother me."

Claudia and Steve look at each other, and then Steve says, "Pretty much."

"Although I'm pretty sure we outran the Jets," says Claudia. "Or some other group of large, muscular men all dressed the same and singing with scary determination."

"They were just going to a football game, Claud," says Steve.

"Their faces were painted maroon and orange - it was like something out of a colorblind Braveheart musical," says Claudia.

"Okay, okay, _okay_ , I know this isn't one of the more obviously dangerous artifacts, but could you please try to take this mission seriously?" says Artie. "This may be benign so far, but - "

"Benign?" says Steve. "You're not the one who has to deal with all of this."

Artie rolls his eyes. "Life is a musical - how bad could it get?"

Claudia leans closer to the Farnsworth and says, "And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife _ten times_."

Artie frowns. "What? What is that - "

"Let me put it another way," says Steve. "You've seen _West Side Story_ , right?"

"...point taken." Artie peers into the Farnsworth and says, "You know I sent you two instead of Pete and Myka for a reason, right?"

"Because you're really tired of us making jokes about how you're old?" says Claudia.

"No, because there's a long Warehouse tradition of giving the new team the particularly annoying missions," says Artie, and then, to Claudia's horror, begins singing. "Traditioooooooon, tradition!"

Claudia hangs up on him.

v.

Claudia holds the bag up to the Farnsworth. "Snagged, bagged, and I have never been so happy to say _tagged_."

Artie raises an eyebrow. "That's the artifact?"

Steve leans into the Farnsworth's view. "They swapped out one of the bells used in the electronic carillon with a new one over the break, which was apparently used as a prop in the original Broadway production of Bells are Ringing, which I didn't even think had actual bells."

"The way it was set up, the sound of the bell - even though it's tiny - was amplified and played over the whole campus," Claudia adds. "It wasn't the Hokie Stone at all. Go figure, right?"

Artie gives his desk a sour look. "Well, I'm so glad I pulled out all these resources on it, then."

"Four hour drive to DC, flight home from there - we should be back soon," says Claudia. "And man, am I glad this one's over."

"Me, too," says Steve. "It's giving me a lot of flashbacks to a lot of dates."

"And here I thought you didn't like showtunes," says Claudia.

"When you're a gay man living across the river from New York City, there's one really obvious thing to do on dates," says Steve. "I said I didn't _like_ showtunes, not that I haven't seen any musicals."

"So I guess you were living _la vie boheme_ ," says Claudia, watching Artie in the Farnsworth.

Artie frowns. "Are you asking him or me? Because I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Good," says Claudia. "I was just making sure that the natural order of things was restored and you weren't getting any of my references anymore."

"Just _try to remember_ this for next time," says Artie, and Claudia and Steve frown at him. "You know, _try to remember_? _The kind of September_? _Where life was_ \- you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you." He gives a grumpy sigh. "Nobody sees the classics anymore."

"The sooner we can forget any of this happened, the better," says Steve.

"Then get back here ASAP - we've got another ping."

"Does this one involve singing?" says Claudia.

"Or Claudia introducing me as her 'faithful handyman'?" says Steve.

Claudia snickers, and Steve glares at her. "What? It was funny!"

"Just get back here," says Artie, and the Farnsworth display goes dark.

**Author's Note:**

> Obligatory disclaimer: I don't own Glee, Disney, Annie, Gilbert and Sullivan, Mary Poppins, West Side Story, Fiddler on the Roof, or the Fantasticks. Or, obviously, Warehouse 13. I guess I own "Showtunes Are Okay, I Guess," for all the good it will do me.


End file.
